lovely feet

glory days and cheap words and baked goods

2009-12-12T08:40:00.000-08:00

so, you know it's been too long since you've updated your blog when you have to try 3 different passwords before you are able to log in.

i wish that i could say great and wonderful things have happened since i last wrote here. nothing much has happened though. although...in my favorite book, the perks of being a wallflower, there is part where charlie is talking about the football players at his high school and how these are their "glory days" that they will tell their children about someday. and he says "maybe these are my glory days too and i'm not even realizing it because they don't involve a ball". all i guess i'm saying is that while nothing particularly adventurous is happening in my life, it's a good life nonetheless and maybe when i'm old i will tell my children how we went to look at christmas lights and laughed together. or how i had a group of people that i love so much that once a week we could spend almost an entire sunday together and still just sit around and talk and laugh until all hours of the night. and how we experienced real laughter and real tears and real anger together and it made us better people together. because these things really are important to me. i wouldnt trade them for "excitement". maybe these are my glory days and i'm not even realizing it...

i feel like the year 2009's lesson for me was about friendship. about what it really is. and how words are really cheap. you can SAY nice things to people. you can compliment them, call them nice things, tell them you miss or love them, but if you're actions don't reflect all of those sentiments, they're really meaningless words. several situations i've encountered in the past year have really driven this home for me.

today i am going to be baking muffins and cherry cream cheese danishes. i have never made a danish before in my life, so we'll see. i've eaten plenty so at least i know what it *should* taste like.

Pet Peeves

2009-09-29T21:34:00.000-07:00

i have discovered that i am easily annoyed. this is troublesome because i never thought of myself as easily annoyed. but i think i am. i decided this when i was driving home from work today and i was listing my "pet peeves" in my head. not really sure what got me thinking about them, but i was and the list was getting long. they are as follows:

1. same side of the booth couples. most of you that know me know what i mean by this and how i feel about it. but for others that might decide to read this, i'll explain. same side of the booth couples are those obnoxious couples who cannot stop touching each other for more than 3 seconds. they sit on the same side of the booth in restaurants, not because they are waiting for another person to come sit opposite them. no, they do it because they HAVE to be touching each other constantly. it is my biggest annoyance.

2. bluetooth. i dont really have a convincing argument here, i just dont like it. i dont like people walking around everywhere with their little bluetooth thingies in their ears. annoying.

3. the word "crevice". it just sounds disgusting.

4. heelys. you know...the shoes with wheels in them. this is when i become 90 years old and go "damn kids these days!". i dont mind them outside...on sidewalks...but if i am at target trying to pick a shampoo scent, and your kid comes flying by on his/her heelys and runs into me....i'm anti child abuse but i WILL rip those shoes right off their little feet and force feed them to YOU for allowing them to wear those horrible things inside the store.

5. people who quote themselves on their favorite quotes on facebook, or worse, in their statuses. i feel like this deserves some explanation. if i have ever been quoting something funny or profound and it was a conversation in which i participated, but someone else provided the "punchline", for lack of a better word, then fine. no big. but i really dislike the people who quote themselves saying something just so darn funny. its really arrogant sounding. glad you think you're funny...i dont.

6. the word "besties". sick. if i have to hear "so me and my bestie were out last night..." one more time, i might kick the speaker in the shins. its like, someone decided that they desperately wanted to create some new fad/slang because they just got done watching clueless and thought they'd be the next cher...well "as if!". just shut up. you can say "my best friend and i" or heck, USE your friends NAME. that works too.

7. slightly related to #6...couples who seem to have forgotten their boyfriend/girlfriend/spouses name. by this i mean, the couples who will always say "my husband loves football", rather than "fred loves football" when i know fred and i know that they are married. its like you just desperately want to bring up the fact that you are married, yet again. if you are married and speaking to someone who does not know you/your spouse/his or her name, perfectly fine exception. i feel the same way about pet names. "sugar", "sweetie", "honey", "baby". ok yeah, you love each other and thats adorable. and the occasional pet name in public is fine. but i have known couples where i would be willing to bet i have never actually heard them say each others names. oh my gosh so annoying.

ok well that's my cynical rant for the day. the things that annoy me. glad to vent about some of that. if you fall into any of these categories and i have offended you....sorry....

check one: yes or no

2009-08-31T14:34:00.000-07:00

so i've kind of given up my job search. partially because i am frustrated. i keep applying for various jobs in various places and i keep getting "thank you for your interest! the position has been filled..." emails. and they've started to make me cry. (i know, i know...everything makes me cry.) i guess i've been telling myself that i've given up also partially because i'm being open to the idea that there's a reason i'm supposed to be working here and that if he wants, God will clue me in eventually.

i've been struggling with some personal decisions lately. i had an opportunity to be upset with my sister again via myspace a couple of weeks ago, but i chose to laugh at it and not let it get to me. good decision. difficult, but good. i've been trying very hard to have a good attitude about some of the things that people do that hurt me. i've been trying very hard to laugh at the ones that are basically silly. and i've been trying to just smile and not let the actually upsetting ones get to me. the latter has been more difficult. but i've been successful a handful of times. so...way to go, me!

a good friend said recently that "20-something" people are really bad about not keeping their word. that this particular age group has somewhere along the way learned that its ok to say one thing and then to back out at the last minute. that as long as you provide an excuse of some sort, your commitments are not obligations. i'm not trying to sound arrogant...but i think i'm pretty good at keeping my word. or at least, i've gotten better in the recent past. and i think i've noticed this because it has started to really bother me when i see people doing it. let your yes be yes and your no be no. do what you say you will do. dont promise to do something you arent sure you can do. make your words and your actions consistent with one another. be honest so you dont have to keep up with lies. everyone will benefit.

in other news, i made a cake in the shape of a fedora. it was fun.

i hope they're happy

2009-08-01T19:58:00.001-07:00

i have been decorating cakes all weekend. if you look at my facebook or myspace, i have posted pictures.

last night i went to see "funny people" with kara, chelsie, and kate. i saw this couple in line and i think they were on a kind of "friend date". because the girl walked up to the window and said "two for funny people, please" and started opening her wallet. at this, the guy goes "no! no no no!" and started playfully swatting at her hand making her close her wallet so that he could pay for the tickets. it was pretty cute. i hope it works out, i got a good vibe from them.

i went to walmart today. i needed to buy batteries. i got other things as well, but i mostly went for the batteries. i was walking around and just noticing people. very few people had smiles on their faces. almost everyone looked like they were there, but they werent really there. this man and i almost ran into each other with our carts and he looked at me and sort of smiled and said "excuse me", but even though he smiled, his eyes looked sad. i dont know why he was sad. i wish i could have asked him and had it be okay. i wonder if he needed someone to ask him. i didnt have anything else to do, so i had time to spare. i'm afraid he would've been mad if i did though. it was all very unsettling. i hope whatever was making him sad was temporary.

as i was leaving, i got in my car and started driving along the front outside the store. you know, where everyone has to cross to get in or out of the front doors. and i was slowly making my way past the people. i saw a lady about to cross and i began slowing down to stop so she could go and as she stepped out in front of me, she turned and gave me this "you better f****** stop i'm in the crosswalk area" look. even though i had intended to stop, and was in the process of stopping for her. it made me sad for her. she (and i, and alot of people i'm sure) are programmed to think that everyone is only out for themselves and so if she doesnt glare at me, i wont stop for her outside of walmart. people in general have such a track record for being assholes, that we just assume everyone is until they prove to us otherwise. i hope someone does something nice for her. i hope she can go home and her husband or friend or someone will help her remember that people can really be good. that people can have good intentions.

none of this really makes sense. i just hope that all of the people at walmart today are happy and that they went home to people that love them and that when someone makes promises to them, that they keep them and that they can trust people.

its really quiet tonight. i cant decide what movie to watch so i didnt put in one at all and all i can hear is my dog chewing his squeaky toy and my air conditioner running.

withdrawals

2009-07-16T20:43:00.000-07:00

ok so i am a people watcher. i'm pretty sure this makes me creepy. whenever i go places, i usually find a person or group of people who are in some way mysterious or intriguing or funny and i will watch them as if they are a sitcom.

one time at a mavs game with ryan, we found a couple. they looked as though they were on a date. the guy was a white guy who was trying desperately to be "gangsta" and the girl was drunk. we named him "skeeter". she was just "skeeter's girlfriend". he was obviously much less into this date than she was because she was all over him and he was leaning so far away from her he might as well have been sitting in the lap of the person across the aisle. i could see skeeter's irritation growing as steadily as her beer was disappearing. the rate at which her volume and excitement grew was also probably consistent with the disappearing beer. now, at mavs games they often have these posterish things sitting in the seats when you get there. you can fold them back and forth like a fan and then when you shake it, it will make a clapping noise. throughout the game skeeter's girlfriend had been utilizing her fan clapper thingy to it's fullest capabilities. (also to skeeter's dismay). as the game and her beer were both nearing their ends, the mavs were pulling ahead and skeeter's girlfriend was all kinds of excited. if looks could kill, the thing that happened next would have ended with skeeter murdering his girlfriend. the mavs scored again and skeeter's girlfriend is beside herself with joy. she takes her clappy thingy and starts smacking skeeter upside the head with it. he looked as though he regretted being born at that moment. he could not have been more pissed. looks like he'll think twice before bringing another girl to a mavs game.

the reason i thought of this so much later and decided to write about it here is because i havent experienced any exceptionally interesting people watching opportunities lately. and seeing as how it is one of my favorite activities, i'm sad that it hasnt been happening. i wonder, are people getting more boring, or have my standards for what makes a good people watching story gotten too high? have experiences like watching skeeter be beaten by a folded up cardboard picture of dirk nowitzki courtesy of his drunk date made me not appreciate every day people watching anymore? is it like drugs or alcoholism where after a while, what you're doing isnt enough and you need more to achieve the same effect? my addiction is at least mostly harmless. but i'm still going through withdrawal.

leading up to something

2009-07-10T21:44:00.000-07:00

i just finished reading "through painted deserts" by donald miller. i would have finished it about 15 minutes ago, but in the last chapter, i read this:

"you feel like life is always leading up to something, but it isnt. i mean life is just life."

i stared at those two sentences for about 10 minutes. i couldnt keep going i was just hit by a ton of bricks.

i would like to be done seeing life as milestones to be passed. as goals to be accomplished. as some linear puzzle to work my way through. to be done thinking that the next thing to achieve is a new job and that i cant move on with life until i find one. life is just life. i would like to just live it. regardless.

i had lunch with anne today and she was telling me about her cousin who hates when people introduce themselves by stating their name and then promptly following it with their job title. because thats not who you are. i am not taylor price, infant teacher at a daycare that likes to pretend it's a preschool. my job doesnt matter one bit. (thank God) what does matter is that i am living. that i am loving. that i'm being as God wants me to be.

thanks don miller, for smacking me across the face with a realization that feels like something i've known all along, but just forgot i knew.

june cleaver

2009-07-08T19:30:00.000-07:00

today i was a responsible adult. most days, i get up at the crack, go to work, come home and by 1:30, i'm out cold taking a 3 hour (ish) nap. then i get up, grab something quick/easy for dinner, and then go to arlington (for any number of the various things i do during the week with everyone down there). and then, by 11:30 or so, i have to try to force myself to sleep which i can't do because of aforementioned nap. so i finally get to sleep around 12:30 or 1:00, and then when the alarm goes off at 5:30 the first word out of my mouth is usually an expletive expressing my distain for 1) lack of sleep 2) beating the sun up 3) having to go to my job.

but today....i worked a full 8 hours (a rare occurance these days) and when i came home, i did not take a nap. i vacuumed. i did dishes and 3 loads of laundry. i dusted furniture and cleaned out my hall closet. then i cooked dinner! i havent cooked an actual meal for dinner in ages. it's difficult to get the motivation to do so when living alone. i made cajun chicken pasta and it was delicious! i was proud of myself. perhaps i could not only become a baker, but an entire chef! and while i am laying here on my bed, blogging about nothing important whatsoever, it occurs to me that i will probably be asleep by 10:00 tonight. sounds glorious!

i was telling a few friends sunday morning that while i have not passed certain milestones in life, as they have (i.e. engagement, marriage, children) i often feel older than i think i should. i am only 24 years old. but my mind feels older sometimes. i cannot really explain why. maybe because i have not come to those milestones, my mind is not forced to focus any specific thing on a regular basis. i think about others alot, dont get me wrong...but there's no husband to have to be concerned about, no kids of my own to take care of, etc...so my mind works harder than it would otherwise on overthinking. i'm reading jonny's copy of "through painted deserts" right now and don miller talks alot about "how" and "why" questions. maybe because i'm on my own, once i've figured out the "how" questions that pertain to me at the time, and i don't have to worry about anyone else's "how" questions, i get to the "why" questions more frequently. i am not saying that i am some enormously deep thinker...please don't hear arrogance in this...it's just that i've got nothing else to do except think most of the time. that and talk to my dog. i mean....no i don't talk to my dog that's crazy! anyway... i don't know if thats why i feel older than i am or not.

regardless, the reason i bring this up is that today, i did more "old" things. but i didnt particularly feel old. it actually felt good. to take care of myself, of my apartment, to put effort into creating a meal...felt like a regular june cleaver!

i just hope i can have the motivation to do these things more often. it really is difficult (for me at least) to care about those things when it's just me. again, please dont take this the wrong way. this is not meant to be a "boo hoo i'm single poor me" post. i like living alone. A LOT. in fact, i quite hate roommates. (not the people i've roomed with, but the idea of sharing my space i suppose) if i ever DO get married, having to live with someone will be under the "con" side of the list. but i'm just rambling here about my day and the things my somewhat old brain has been pondering.

i do however think that an upside to eventually getting married will be having someone there to kill cockroaches because i just can't do it....

geographically inconvenient

2009-07-03T23:25:00.000-07:00

so i just attempted to make tiramisu. i am afraid that it will be awful. i hope it is not awful. but who knows. i've never made it before.

so over the past two days, i've spent some time with friends i never see, and friends i see regularly...and i am just filling particularly grateful for all of them. today at lunch with hillary, i was attempting to explain "axis" to her. (axis is the group i now consider family...formerly prcc affiliated, but no more) it occurred to me while i was talking to her about why i love the crap outta those people, that for most of my life, the friends i've had have been ones of convenience. (no bash on those of you from previous seasons of my life, but hear me out...) i was in band in high school, so my friends were others in band. i spent my time in college with the people that were closest around me. those i lived with, those who i had known previously and continued to hang out with in abilene, those i worked with etc. the people i surrounded myself with had a great deal to do with covenience. but for the first time in my life, i have surrounded myself with people simply because i choose to be with them. i did not have to continue going to axis. it has never been what i would call geographically convenient. i spend my time with these people because while sometimes i let insecurities get to me, and i dont allow myself to accept how much they love and accept me....well, thats just it. they do anyways. i am so thankful for them.

we are off-color...sometimes inappropriate...usually creepy...often nerdy....but i love us :)

i'll be your mirror

2009-07-01T22:50:00.000-07:00

for several weeks now i have been loving this song. it's called "i'll be your mirror". google tells me it is by the velvet underground, but if you look it up or download it, please download the clem snide version. it's way better. anyways, i just really like this song. it says a lot. i know a lot of people who could use a good mirror. sometimes i'm one of them.

i'll be your mirror
reflect what you are, in case you dont know
i'll be the wind, the rain and the sunset
the light on your door to show that you're home

when you think the night has seen your mind
that inside you're twisted and unkind
let me stand to show that you are blind
please put down your hands
cause i see you

i find it hard to believe you dont know
the beauty you are
but if you dont let me be your eyes
a hand in your darkness, so you wont be afraid

when you think the night has seen your mind
that inside youre twisted and unkind
let me stand to show that you are blind
please put down your hands
cause i see you
i'll be your mirror

take one...

2009-06-29T20:07:00.001-07:00

okay so. here's my first attempt at putting something out here and seeing if it's worth reading.

"taylor's thoughtful blog: take one"

today i've been thinking quite a bit. well, for lots of days now...i've been thinking quite a bit. a long time ago i heard this quote and i had to google it today to get all of it...

"to put meaning in one's life may end in madness, but life without meaning is the torture of restlessness and vague desire. it is a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid."

so now for my thoughts on this:

"restless" describes almost perfectly how i've been feeling for a while now. i havent been sleeping as well as i used to. i havent been able to sit in my apartment alone and just be peaceful like i used to. i get fidgety. restless. i couldnt pin a reason why however. but today it hit me. i'm doing absolutely nothing meaningful for others. well, i mean...i think the group of believers i share community with each week is meaningful. i think the time i spent in colorado with ryan, jonny, keith, kara, and cheri was meaningful. but on sunday we were talking about matthew 25. about "being ready". about "i was hungry and you gave me something to eat, i was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, i was a stranger and you welcomed me, i was in prison and you came to visit me." these things are meaningful. these things change peoples hearts. these things are what might make my feet lovely. i dont really do these things. and they are so simple. ryan said that we try to make them out to be these impossible tasks, but they arent. they are so doable. so why dont i?? so then this evening i was at the gibbons house and amy, without me mentioning to her any of what i'd been thinking about today, told me about a friend who had said she wanted to do something "valuable". it completely affirmed what i think might be a tugging at my heart to seek something more, yet not something that is about me. i figured out that this restlessness is because i have been trying to live a life about myself. rather than one that has meaning.

"it is a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid". that is ridiculous. a boat afraid of the sea? a boat is meant for the sea. *this is where you would see the light bulb appear above my head* ooooh... i get it. you mean to suggest that possibly....maybe...some people are not living and doing what they were MADE to do? once again, sunday in our discussion, ryan showed us "dust". a nooma by rob bell. it is my new favorite. i ordered it online today. i wont tell you all about it, but essentially that video combined with rediscovering that quote today was like someone smacked me upside the head and said "DO YOU GET IT YET?!" perhaps the reason i have been so unhappy and restless lately, is like i said, because i've been living a life about only me, but also because i'm being afraid of what i was meant for.

i am afraid of alot of things. most of them can be boiled down to my own inadequacy. yeah yeah, i've heard that quote about people not being afraid of being inadequate, but rather being afraid of being powerful beyond measure. everyone i know seems to love the crap out of that quote. but i'm not going to lie to you. it really is the inadequacy that scares me. so basically i'm afraid that i cant live up to what i was made for. i'm afraid that somehow, i'm broken and won't be able to perform correctly. i'm not excellent at anything in particular. i can do alot of things decently, but i've never had that one thing that was like my thing. but in "dust". rob bell points out that perhaps peter begins to sink outside of the boat not because he doubts his faith in Jesus. maybe it's that he doubts his faith in himself. you and me both peter *fist pound*

long story short (too late!) i am now aware that i need and desire meaningful action in my life. i am now aware that i was made for something in particular, whatever it is, and that God has faith in me to accomplish those somethings, not only completely, but well. which means i have to do something about it.....

every new beginning...

2009-06-29T00:05:00.000-07:00

first off, it told me i needed to have a blog title. i chose "lovely feet". this is not because my feet are attractive. in fact, i have short stubby toes and my feet are almost always dirty because i refuse to wear "real" shoes. i am a flip flop kind of girl. i called it lovely feet because i have a tattoo on my right foot that quotes isaiah/romans..."how beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news". i hope that my feet can be lovely because they carry the hope i have to others.

i have been in a "rut" (for lack of a better word). by this, i mean that my faith...my wisdom...my confidence in my faith...all of it has been lacking for a while now. but my heart has been changing and growing once again and i am returning to some of the insightful person i used to be. i find that unless i get my thoughts out somewhere, they never resolve or mold into anything substantial. i do journal privately...i am not the kind of person who says everything she thinks. in fact i'm accused of hiding things or not being entirely honest sometimes. i dont think of it as lies....more like....omission. either way, this is my attempt to share some of what i think in an easy outlet. i dont have to look anyone in the eye while i type here...if i cry, no one is looking at me. and that's a problem for me. i cant ever seem to share anything that is on my mind or heart without crying. even seemingly unimportant things. i am not sure why. but if i tell you how i feel here, i can cry without you having to listen to my voice crack and watch my eyes get all puffy and red.

so anyways. here i am. there's a song lyric "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end". i feel like i am beginning something new. usually when a person sees the end of something, they have to look carefully to see what new thing is beginning. but i wouldnt be me if i didnt do things backward or incorrectly and the same applies here...i feel as though i see something new beginning, but i'm not sure what it is that is supposed to be ending....that part will be the surprise. which is kind of frightening. yet exciting. if i figure out what it is, i will let you know.

i guess the only thing else i have to say for the time being, in this "introductory blog" if you will, is that i know that i type somewhat similarly to the way i talk. and i know that means grammar etc. will probably be atrocious. and i know that can be annoying. but it's my blog so there.

so comment for me occasionally. it will help me be motivated to spill my guts through the wonderful medium of the internet if i know someone's listening :)